JEFFERSON CO., Pa. (EYT) – One in four women and one in seven men in the United States have experienced domestic violence, and our local community isn’t immune to the issue.
In recognition of National Domestic Abuse Awareness Month, exploreJeffersonpa.com spoke with two domestic violence survivors living in our area about their experiences.
Sharon* and Nikki* are two friends who have both survived domestic violence.
In Sharon’s case, it started off very small before snowballing into something both dangerous and terrifying.
“He used to call me names, and I just thought that was a normal thing when you get into an argument,” she noted.
“Then, he used to drink a lot and say things and then apologize like ‘I’m so sorry I would never have done that if I was sober,’ but then eventually, it turned into him doing that while he was sober.”
Sharon said that she didn’t grow up in an abusive environment and wasn’t raised to find such situations normal, and yet she still managed to be drawn in by an abuser.
“It’s because they do it so manipulatively, and by such little increments, you don’t even realize you’re in the middle of a terrible situation until it gets really, really terrible.”
She was with her abuser for several years, although the manipulative behavior and abuse didn’t really start up until about six months into the relationship.
“It started with little things, like we’d get into an argument and he’d say ‘You’re crazy and no one’s ever going to love you.’”
She noted that the relationship really began to decline once they moved in together and culminated in a violent incident that left her reeling.
Sharon said her abuser got very drunk that night. He was so drunk that after she picked him up, and they arrived home, he didn’t recognize their house. Although he didn’t have the keys to the car, he got in it to drive away. Once she got him into the house, the situation turned even worse.
“I don’t remember what set him off, but he came after me and pushed me against the wall. I was able to get away from him, briefly, and he picked up our big box TV and threw it towards me.”
She said that the television landed on her foot, causing some pain but no serious damage, however, that wasn’t the end of the outburst.
“He came after me again, this time pushing me onto the couch. He was in my face calling me a b**** and a c*** and I literally had to put my feet into his chest to push him off of me.”
She was further shaken by the incident when she realized he was in such a state of intoxication, he didn’t even recognizer her.
“He went into the bedroom to pass out, but before he did he said ‘Hey, tell that b**** out there she better be gone before I come back out there,’ and then he passed out.”
Although Sharon did get out of the relationship, she didn’t report the abuse right away.
“It’s really scary because I didn’t want my parents to be upset with me. I didn’t want my friends to think I was stupid for being with someone that would hurt me.”
It wasn’t until after he threatened to come back to the area after leaving that she finally decided to talk to someone and seek a Protection from Abuse Order (PFA).
“I was scared he would come back,” she noted. “I went through SAFE and they are fantastic, so I always recommend anyone going through anything like that to go talk to those people. They helped me through every step of the way.”
Her experience with SAFE also gave her a starting point for helping her friend, Nikki, when it came to light that she, too, was experiencing abuse.
Nikki said, “It was just little things in the beginning.”
“It was my first relationship, so I thought they were normal: things like how he would say stuff to me about how if I ever broke up with him he was going to be so devastated he’d kill himself.”
Looking back now, she says she recognizes that he was manipulating her emotionally, and that it extended to isolating her from family and friends, as well.
It also quickly turned to physical violence.
“It was probably about a year in when he did first get physical, which I remember very vividly. We got into an argument, and he put his arm around my throat and he choked me.”
She immediately left and went to her mother’s house, but it was his mother she first reached out to.
“She kind of just was like ‘Well, you know it was just a heated moment. He was upset. He won’t do it again,’ but he did, of course.”
Over the following years of their relationship, the violence and the manipulation intensified, and Nikki continued to doubt herself due to the emotional manipulation and gaslighting, until she final had enough and broke off the relationship, despite his threats of killing either her, himself, or both.
That was when the stalking began.
“He would send me screenshots of things I would post on social media, or he would call me, repeatedly, from multiple phone numbers after I had blocked the last one.”
That was the final straw that sent her seeking at PFA. With the help of her friend and the SAFE agency, she went through the process to help keep her ex from continuing to haunt her life.
“It’s a very draining process, and it’s not something I think anyone ever anticipates having to go through so I think having them and having someone who’s been through it who’s close to me definitely made it a lot easier.”
Both Sharon and Nikki noted that one of the things they would warn other people about is being aware of the ways abusers manipulate people and trusting your gut.
“Any little thing that kind of makes you feel manipulated, or they put you down at all, that’s not healthy,” Sharon noted.
“Knowing the signs is really important, too, and it’s really hard to see them when you’re in that relationship. It’s way easier to see in hindsight.”
She also had a message for anyone going through an abusive situation.
“You are not alone.”
EDITOR’S NOTE: *Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the survivors.
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