CLARION CO., Pa. (EYT) – Former Rimersburg mayoral candidate Dustin ‘Crowbar’ Kifer announced his candidacy for president on Monday.
Kifer will be seeking the Whig Party’s 2020 nomination for President of the United States.
In a press release Kifer said: “Quite simply, it is time to bring KFC back to Clarion. The fact is, fried chicken in Clarion is dead—but if I win, I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before. Together we will Make Clarion Great Again!”
The release also confirmed suspicions that Clarion County will be the focal point of Kifer’s campaign, stating that he will resurrect plans to construct a wall between Rimersburg and Sligo.
“I would build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me, and I’ll build them very inexpensively,” said Kifer in the release. “I will build a great great wall on our border and I’ll have Sligo pay for that wall. Mark my words.”
Kifer also has plans for a super hyper mega-speed rail system that would allow illegal immigrants to travel from Mexico to Rimersburg in less than 45 minutes.
Costs would be minimal thanks to Kifer’s plans to take the guns of every American citizen, melt them down, and repurpose the materials for use during construction of the new rail system.
Kifer announced that he will begin his campaign by visiting Lake Lucy on Tuesday, followed by Fern and Curllsville later this month. His campaign headquarters will be located in a van down by the Clarion River. It’s unclear if free candy will be available in said van.
Aside from being Rimersburg’s #1 Taylor Swift fan, Kifer enjoys extreme ironing, competitive dog grooming, faking his own death, and collecting fungus.
“I really am a fungi,” boasted Kifer during his announcement speech held in front of a crowd reported to be upwards of five people outside the Rimersburg Sunoco. “I really grow on you.”
Kifer is a 1996 graduate of Union Elementary School.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Today’s date is April 1, 2019. Today is April 1. It’s not April 2 or March 31. It is the first day of April, which is a significant day. Also, note that today is the first day of the month of April.
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